I Feel Selfish

I want to keep hearing from you,
But it would appear that I am but another voice in the cacophony of your mind,
I’m trying hard to reside in your memory, but my pitch is the lowest and I’m standing outside,
I want to know if there is something I did or said — or failed to — that has me in the red,
But part of me knows that this knowledge would be futile and I probably need you out of my head.

 
I need to ignore the fact that you’ve read,
seen, gleaned from and even replied to some of my last texts…
I need to stop staring at your picture before bed,
I need to stop thinking that you and I are somehow connected,
I need to cut off the hand that has profusely bled in a bid to see my imagination of you fed,
I need, but I do not heed,
I bleed, but I do not heal,
I want, but I cannot have,
I chase, but I cannot grab,
You’re here and you’re in a dark space yourself,
I’m right by your side but between us is a gulf so wide, it’s felt.

 

 

If anything I could say could ease your pain I would whisper it in the night and shout it by day,
But I am in a state of feeling disdained, probably just wrong for all the right people and lost in many a way,
I want to say goodnight to my chest as if it is there that you lay,
But I hold my breath not for the chance that in my life you shall stay,
This and many wishes remain a horse that long went astray,
And I a beggar that cannot ride it away.

 

Sometimes I fucking hate this life,
Sometimes I just want to find a semblance of peace in light of all this strife,
Sometimes… just sometimes, I know it was good I put down that knife,
But right now, I just wish I could step out of the limelight,
And into your timeline,
That you may see me as the flaw that need you might,
And hear me at the door as your guardian by night.

 

Yours in unresolved states of mind

Evans Mbora Campbell.
The Selfish Slight

Advertisements

I Just Want Some Nudes

(Inspired in part by River Tiber)

 

This is not a pick-up line,
I just want a bunch of nudes…
of me taken by you,
I know this is strange because I’m coming across as another one of those fuckboy dudes,
That like your friend and are all up in your face instead, feeling bwoy rude,
But I swear to you this is just me, looking for some nudes.

Record me walk around the house naked with no curtains on,
Singing to the wake up song,
Gleaming with no make-up on,
Soon as you can see me, gone
You’ll be wishing for me all day long.

I only want you when I let you go,
But that’s not something you need to know
I can keep this up if you’re in for a show,
But I just hope against hope,
That you can handle this with all its scope.

Yours in passive-aggressive complexity,

Evans Mbora Campbell
I Just Want Some Nudes

What I Don’t Know

Is whether you think of me as a huckster, trickster or silent conspirator,
Because you always come and go like a star at the rodeo and I’m just left here — babysitter
I have a limit to how much of your gambit I am willing to submit to, but I don’t know,
If you care at all about it, there is certainly no way to know.

Is if you ever really thought of it as deeply as I did,
Sure you may have wished upon a shooting star and thought it would get you far,
But did it?
You really leave me wondering if all this chatting, texting and vibing has been worth it.

Is whether you see me for anything other than a reliever — a relentless giver — as you pick up everything I signal and send nothing back: receiver?
Am I anything more than a plaything that you ignore like a child bored and eager to explore?
Of all the things that I abhor, nothing comes close to how much I loath that I adore your core,
This part of you that defies all your lies by being indestructibly soft and irresistibly warm,
But what is it to be so if you never let me touch your true aura and just bluster when I come closer?
I’m flustered and honestly tired of exposure to your incomprehensible inability to offer full disclosure

But what I definitely don’t know is if I’m ready,

To be anything other than

Yours in perpetuity,

Evans Mbora Campbell.