In my mental

Stressed, suicidal, depressed.You need it — all under one roof — we got it

Supermarket like Nakumatt. 
I’ve been down the road,

Over the bridge,

Down the way and I heard ’em say,

Nothing’s ever promised tomorrow today
I love her 😍,

Rockstar,

But I’m not, really,

You see me trapping because I’m trapped,

You feel me hurting,

No?

Thanks for the like instead of the telephone call,

Thanks for sharing it all 🙏🏾

I was out and with nothing to nurse my fall,

I could only end up in a crawl,

And after all-owing,

I had nothing left when I got something. 

Nothing left and you still thought we had something?

I cried about you and lied we were good 😊,

I don’t want to be rude but it’s fucked how you’re the dude,

I’m in my feelings all the time and that’s not you,

Which is probably why I love yours so much so,

It comes from a place of unfamiliarity and uncertainty,

But it’s as genuine as your smile when you’re at the marina with the roomie. 

I love you. You are as free and liberating as this free writing. 
In all the darkness I thought only of you. 

Remember when I said it in that hotel in Dar,

Telling you (in brief) long tales of how far,

We came and hurt we became and I could only in those times think of your name. 

And still you play the game,

Because really you know your emotions you intentionally tame,

Really you know you love and have a heart but want to tell me you’re hard. 
But I’ll deal 😷 

I came prepared, mask on,

I’m here for the long haul,

Let’s play ball 🏀 

I love you and I’m unafraid to say it

If I died right then (remember then and THEN), I’d be okay with it. 

There, I said it. 
Yours in perpetuity,

Whether you choose to see me and be with it is up to thee,
Evans Mbora Campbell 

PS: Just Me

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I Feel Selfish

I want to keep hearing from you,
But it would appear that I am but another voice in the cacophony of your mind,
I’m trying hard to reside in your memory, but my pitch is the lowest and I’m standing outside,
I want to know if there is something I did or said — or failed to — that has me in the red,
But part of me knows that this knowledge would be futile and I probably need you out of my head.

 
I need to ignore the fact that you’ve read,
seen, gleaned from and even replied to some of my last texts…
I need to stop staring at your picture before bed,
I need to stop thinking that you and I are somehow connected,
I need to cut off the hand that has profusely bled in a bid to see my imagination of you fed,
I need, but I do not heed,
I bleed, but I do not heal,
I want, but I cannot have,
I chase, but I cannot grab,
You’re here and you’re in a dark space yourself,
I’m right by your side but between us is a gulf so wide, it’s felt.

 

 

If anything I could say could ease your pain I would whisper it in the night and shout it by day,
But I am in a state of feeling disdained, probably just wrong for all the right people and lost in many a way,
I want to say goodnight to my chest as if it is there that you lay,
But I hold my breath not for the chance that in my life you shall stay,
This and many wishes remain a horse that long went astray,
And I a beggar that cannot ride it away.

 

Sometimes I fucking hate this life,
Sometimes I just want to find a semblance of peace in light of all this strife,
Sometimes… just sometimes, I know it was good I put down that knife,
But right now, I just wish I could step out of the limelight,
And into your timeline,
That you may see me as the flaw that need you might,
And hear me at the door as your guardian by night.

 

Yours in unresolved states of mind

Evans Mbora Campbell.
The Selfish Slight

Losing Ever So Slightly

The TV is off,
You see a blackness take hold of your throat,
Hands cold as a ghost and eyes devoid of soul,
Terror wears many faces, but its most terrifying form is faceless.

 

I want to think I shall survive,
But so much goes into just trying to thrive while alive that I see no end but at the edge of a knife,
So I cut, deep and long into the tracks, watching as the very fuel to my fire drips out into the night,
It’s red and hot, like my anger at the people all around me that lie,
It’s thick and quick to dry, unlike my self; stretched so thin and drenched in the muck of denial.

 

You just want me gone, lost and forlorn for no reason,
You think I’m better off alone and torn, apart from all that I have come to love in these seasons,
I refuse to be yours and owned, but clearly I am losing as quickly as this blood from me flows,
I cannot really contemplate going on and setting things in stone, so leave me be as I fade onto Hades’ shores.

 

Yours with no clarity,

Evans Mbora Campbell.
Losing Ever So Slightly

Life’s Twisted Joke

I could cry,

but even if I kept at it, the truth will never be a lie,

I could say I can hide,

but no amount of style can mask this gaping hole of mine…

I feel like a victim of time,

An offender being punished by karma for crime,

I am the product of fate’s parody, the unwanted, a malady,

I am the anomaly after the tragedy,

You were crushed before, and hearts before yours I tore, so life decided I deserve to face the melody.

 

 

Shall I be fine?

Who knows, I highly doubt it but I’m hardly divine,

Did I most certainly hope one day you would be mine?

NO, for even if you gave me all of you and I me, your spirit could never be confined,

All I could ever hope for and want, was to see you smile, be the light to my life so blind…

 

 

Carry all of me with you AMME,

that you may remember I was there entirely,

that you may lay down your yolk and accept the fact that you’re unchained, when it becomes reality,

that you may know I have never had to wait from a distance, but in this instance feel inclined to trust you’ll find clarity,

And I, I most certainly hope my dreams about being with you become verities,

and that I’ll eventually argue about whether to call you “AMME” or “baby”,

and you’ll laugh hysterically as I feed you omelette du fromage each morning,

wander away into a world of dreams as I watch you sleep and treasure your beauty, my blessing.

 

 

I shall wait for you from a distance, and say “Come at me”, waiting to receive you gladly,

I shall wait and hope that when you do return, I shall be unchanged, my sentiments towards you in place,

I shall wait for you to recover and do my best to do the same…

 

 

I had/still do,

hoped/hope to be

 

 

Yours in perpetuity,

ME.

The Verse of Life

Relaxation, frustration, Kendrick Lamar type juxtapositions,

Staring out at a city alive, as people strive to survive and leave a legacy, or just live, the difference an intricacy

Beauty and the beast, lost in the beats is the essence of all things sweet,

Expressed in manners succinct, the details are irrelevant, entrails compared to the flesh we all crave, meat –

around the bones that give structure to all that we think, see, believe, work towards, fight to complete as we compete,

To be the best matters not the way I see it, the point must be to fulfil self and in turn provide for the system’s needs,

 

 

Education, passion, mission, life has a way of being such a vision,

Yet it makes us blinded with distractions, destruction, anticipation leads to unmet expectations,

We struggle, work hard, just like everyone in this city, we all seek to better out situations,

But life, well, life has a way of being an enigmatic, whimsical lady, the master and mistress of seduction,

The best dancer, wild and free, but just within grasp so we can guide her should we choose to, BUT, gracefully,

Else she turns on us with that menacing freedom of hers, and masters seduction to make our gullibility our downfall, naivety –

seems to define us with her, no perception can comprehend that aura, so, so, inexpressible, obscurity?

 

Ponder some more, wonder and explore, wander and do not ignore,

All that you see with her, will always define who you are, so the above of you I implore,

And remain, as always, need I say more?

 

 

Yes,

 

Yours in perpetuity,

 

Evans Mbora Campbell.