I Feel Selfish

I want to keep hearing from you,
But it would appear that I am but another voice in the cacophony of your mind,
I’m trying hard to reside in your memory, but my pitch is the lowest and I’m standing outside,
I want to know if there is something I did or said — or failed to — that has me in the red,
But part of me knows that this knowledge would be futile and I probably need you out of my head.

 
I need to ignore the fact that you’ve read,
seen, gleaned from and even replied to some of my last texts…
I need to stop staring at your picture before bed,
I need to stop thinking that you and I are somehow connected,
I need to cut off the hand that has profusely bled in a bid to see my imagination of you fed,
I need, but I do not heed,
I bleed, but I do not heal,
I want, but I cannot have,
I chase, but I cannot grab,
You’re here and you’re in a dark space yourself,
I’m right by your side but between us is a gulf so wide, it’s felt.

 

 

If anything I could say could ease your pain I would whisper it in the night and shout it by day,
But I am in a state of feeling disdained, probably just wrong for all the right people and lost in many a way,
I want to say goodnight to my chest as if it is there that you lay,
But I hold my breath not for the chance that in my life you shall stay,
This and many wishes remain a horse that long went astray,
And I a beggar that cannot ride it away.

 

Sometimes I fucking hate this life,
Sometimes I just want to find a semblance of peace in light of all this strife,
Sometimes… just sometimes, I know it was good I put down that knife,
But right now, I just wish I could step out of the limelight,
And into your timeline,
That you may see me as the flaw that need you might,
And hear me at the door as your guardian by night.

 

Yours in unresolved states of mind

Evans Mbora Campbell.
The Selfish Slight

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