Allone in ME…

…for the life of All of ME,
seems not to suffice, and the mixed reactions it elicits are equally unsatisfactory,
I’m pages ahead in a book hardly read and my reactions as I internalise the words, so beautifully written, seem to be misled,
I hang in limbo now-
unsure if the fact that I just had my favourite page (yet) torn to shreds should leave me too distressed to flip through the rest,
Or if I should persist despite the missing content and leave the nostalgia of what I had enjoyed so much to what my imagination can invent…

To be completely honest, stolen is this joy I seemed to have been frolicking in,
But at this mind-boggling crossroad, I stand with choices I can’t digest, languishing,
The one thing I want and would give everything for is so frustratingly beyond my reach, but I have felt its caress, tormenting,
I am to walk on like nothing is wrong and what I long for is best forgone – divest; disheartening!

All things considered, I’m probably better off without the addled brain, not to mention the heart so strained,
My chest caves in, receives shortlived relief, then soon after, all that refreshed hope is drained!
Damaged as I already AM, this may only spell harm for the very core of all that I can (be), and I’m probably better off just being ME, unrestrained,
For what good is a prison if men are bound by loose chains?
What use is a noose if under its own weight it snaps out of strain?
Even the chains and the noose must want their role in this life, none of them can afford to be in vain…

My thoughts are magnified by the fact that I am just who I am,
Behind the charm lies depth, behind the jam of fun, lies the soft bread, my soul’s flesh,
Each thought is a combined process fuelled by emotion unspoken and rationale beyond simple summary; raw, forget fresh,
If it had a nationality, it would be French,
Its artistic splendour Parisian, its bravado equalled only by Napoleon; but like the diminutive man ever subject to defeat under life’s mortality spell!

I can’t quite describe where I am, it’s an abyss where even the light of my soul is dulled to a blip,
I’m groping in the dark for a switch I know may not exist, I hope to find peace in a war that never ceases to persist,
Yet each time I want to just quit, I wonder how I will after putting in all this,
I have gritted my teeth, I have believed that mine is just postponed bliss,
I waited for a queen knowing I was merely a peasant, at best a pauper prince,
Yet when I tasted your royalty, so modest and august, I found it impossible not to miss,
But now, it all seems to have been a path that led me amiss,
Standing lost, stranded, interrupted and near-jaded, I must find that ever-elusive peace,
Allone in ME.

Days go by,
And as time flies I hope you realise,
That the sun never shone to those who never opened their eyes,

Yours in perpetuity,
Evans Mbora Campbell.

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